Random Thoughts on a Cold (COLD) Winter's Night

Last night, for the first time ever, I read a book on a Kindle. Aren't I hip?

We have been back in school since last Thursday. Much to the chagrin of my children, no one else has gone back to school.  The weather here has been crazy, crazy cold and everything else has been cancelled.  However, since we still don't know if and when the flu/sickness/whatever will hit, I am trying to keep on going. We had fairly light days on Thursday-Friday and Handsome went into work but there was still lots of complaining.  L even told me, "Mom, do you realize that we are the ONLY ones doing school?" Still, there were lots of playdates in the afternoon and I tried to vary it up.  Monday I meant for things to get back to "normal" but then it was like 25 degrees so Handsome was home and it was just hard.

I promised myself that I would make it though this winter without getting down and that I would exercise 5 times a week to combat the fact that I am not as active outside.  If I was a cynic, I would say that Satan then said, "We will see about that! One polar vortex, more roof leaks, an out of tune paino, basement leaks, frozen pipes, fridge tube busted, sister with cancer, dental surgery for the non clotter........how about them apples?"  These things will not steal my joy (but oh, it is hard!) 

I took the two middles to OT today. The Lord really answered our prayer there and I know both N and M will benefit. The only downside is that now I actually have to do things with them (gasp!) and that takes discipline. On the way home, I called my friend Dawn and said, "I just wish I had normal kids." Yes, I know they are normal (because really, everyone has their special issues) but, wow, managing things gets challenging. I am thankful the Lord gave me a love of organization and is teaching me to lighten up.  

Quite honestly, I think it boils down to--am I good enough? And, if I think of it that way, of course I am not. And I will try and fail. But the Lord loves them so much more then me so, lately, I just pray, "Lord, you take care of it and help me not get in the way."  I am determined to take care of myself because, by doing that, I take care of them.  And His grace is big enough to cover my feeble efforts and turn them into so much more. So, when I don't do the putty exercises, when I yell at J because he just won't stop whining---grace.  This doesn't mean I need to stop trying. It just means I need to focus on the goal.

Tomorrow is Summit. We are getting back into the swing of things...slowly but surely. And it will warm up.  One day at a time.

The Big C

Apple Pie has cancer.  My girl. My baby sister.  She called Friday night and told me, "I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma." And all I could not think of what exactly that meant but I knew she probably talking cancer.

Apparently, if you want to have cancer then this is the kind.  But no one wants to have cancer.  

Now, we wait. She will hopefully have surgery Friday and then we will know what kind it is.

Threes

Feels like our number has been up lately. No super big things (well, since the two broken arms) but lots of little things.  This week has not been crazy but it has been full and, at times, like more then I can handle.

Thanksgiving came late this year which is both a positive and a negative.  Trying to get all of the beginning of the month stuff done with all of the beginning of December stuff (Jesse Tree, socks, etc) plus homeschooling.  Thankfully, we have not been really sick.  Handsome was gone from home three different nights this week and then, the other two, I was at martial arts with my fellows.  Last night, while Handsome was at a play, the ceiling fan fell from our ceiling in the bedroom.  While I was standing on my bed, holding the fan up, I had this moment where I just wanted to cry.  And today, after N hit his head and we went to "Light the Night" and his head started bleeding again while he skated around, I did cry.  My stomach has started hurting some when Handsome and I disagree or something crazy occurs and my appetite is gone.  I am still working out though and am trying to keep my balance.

It just feels relentless.  Last Saturday, we came home and I started trying to get our back door fixed (the boys had broken a key in it so it couldn't lock and had blown open while we were gone) and a new battery for the car (we have now replaced both batteries in the last six weeks).  I felt overwhelmed.  This past week was me feeling tired; I couldn't get enough sleep and I had some crazy dreams.  

We were supposed to go on a field trip on Thursday.  It got cancelled late Wednesday so I was left scrambling for a Christmas activity Thursday. We went to the Pink Pig; I was wearing hand me down clothing that is slightly too big and no make up. I was not feeling the homeschool love.  We got there at 10 a.m. so there was no line for the Pink Pig and, afterwards, M asked me to go up and down the big escalator.  

We got some stares--we looked out of place at Lenox Mall.  There was one table full of people that were smiling and looking at us but, quite honestly, we get stares pretty regularly.  M wanted to go up and down several times, the third time there was a guy standing at the bottom of the escalator. He handed me something and started talking about how they were watching me and how I was such a cool Mom and I had a great family. I nearly bawled. We turned to go back up and L said, "That never happens to us." That made me almost cry harder.  He's right. We don't get a lot of pats on the back--just a lot of "Are all of them yours?"  

I figured the man was sent from the Lord, letting me know I was going to make it through.  One day at a time. They won't remember the messy house.  They won't remember the specific days but they will remember the feeling of love and joy that (prayerfully) fills this house (even if the ceiling fans come down and the back wall still needs to be repainted). 

Well.  Today kicked my butt.  This month...wow.

Some days I miss the old me that had it all together and knew all the answers.  The new me doesn't know where shoes are, leaves laundry and dead bugs in the floor, and, at times, feels completely unprepared. No matter how hard I work, sometimes I just am not enough.

Tomorrow we are supposed to leave at 7:30 a.m. so we can go on a field trip and then to Black Rock for the weekend.  The boys are super excited but this week has been a maze of soccer, church, homeschool, and doctors.  I've worked my butt off but I will still get up early to pack food and do whatever else.

This morning I took my baby to Hemophilia Clinic. I hate that place.  Everyone there is so kind and he loves to play the video games. But I hate that place.  Going there is a reminder that he (we) are not normal.  And I can pretend 364 days a year that he is okay.  The day I take him there... no way.  Our visit took longer then normal because they wanted to do a platelet study on him and were trying to get insurance approval.  He has two bleeding disorders but that isn't it. He also has large, misshapen platelets.  Nobody knows why--my boy, the medical mystery.  And blah.

Some days are hard.

Growing Up

My baby has decided he doesn't need a nap anymore. And, today at school, when I offered to walk the oldest to class, he quickly declined. The same thing happened last night at soccer. (Sigh)

 

 

That is my fb status tonight.  I am going to miss that nap so much. We are continuing to have going to sleep issues with M and the children still rise before 7.  Now that the nap has gone away...even the little break in the middle where the three bigs would play and the little ones slept...even that is gone.  Right now, the two youngest fight.  A lot.  And the day is so full and there is soccer at night.  

 

Just enough light for the step I am on, Lord.

My Boy

Preface: it is late and my washer would not stop filling up with water. It is spinning now but it pretty much indicates how my day is going.

Today was Mr. Man's first day of speech with his new teacher. I signed forms for him to be re-evaluated and his teacher was very zealous in her desire to "help him so much."

Lord, I don't know what to do.  At times, the problems they have, so minor, seem so big.  And I try to give those problems to you and I know that you love these children so much more then me but it just feels so hard.  And I am tired.  And it is hard.  And I am mostly patient and kind but it takes so much sometimes to find lego pieces and put elephant crafts together and listen to stories and help with chores. I am selfish.  It is hard.

I took them to play at the park this afternoon so boxes did not get done.  Then it was Stevi B's and a birthday party and so it was 9 before I started those wonderful workboxes.  And my brain is so tired.  So tired of being fun and wonderful.  So tired of being positive.  And I have Handsome supporting me but he doesn't know what I am doing.  And at times I feel this stretching is TOO MUCH. I can handle problems and we can solve these things but not when there are so many and so many unknowns.

His teacher--she thinks my boy is special ed. She says stuff like "he doesn't monitor his volume," "he reads the letters out of order."  If I sit with him and we sound it out, he knows that C-A-T spells cat but he just rushes through....could it be there is something more there?

In the beginning, it was Babies Can't Wait and head doctors.  Ear tubes. Developmental specialists. And then it was okay...just speech and people could understand him more.  And he is such a delightful boy, so much joy, I guess after hearing her today I started to think, "Maybe there is more to the puzzle."  And while I know information is not bad, I am scared.  And I feel alone in dealing with all of this.  The papers and the psychologists. The aunts' declaration that the class he will go in is full of discipline problems; what is best for my boy?  How will I know?

It isn't time to know now. And I have been praying that whatever I should do will be brutally obvious.  

As often happens, there is a song on the radio that speaks to me now--the lines I like, "If there's a road I should walk, let me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment."  That is what I am going for.  If I need to do it, let's do it. If I need to wait, give him more time--let's do it.

Help me Lord.  Help me do what is best for my boys.

1 down, 177 more to go

It's headed towards 11 but I procrastinated and didn't start filling the workboxes until 9:30 ish.  We had a busy, busy day today that ended with three kids at soccer practice.  Dad is doing double duty coaching so, quite honestly, September could get crazy. Four kids plus four different soccer teams.

Although I have "counted" two field trips (MLK site and dairy farm trip) as official school days, today was my first day home-schooling the boys..at home.  And I wish I could lie and say it all went really, really well but, well, there's no fooling oneself.  I know it is to be expected. It is our first day. I have four children (2 of which are preschool age and have never been to school).  I have never homeschooled (or taught for that matter). I am expecting it to be hard.  

I filled up the workboxes yesterday during the day.  The oldest wanted to help me with his and he set the order that he wanted to do things in.  I tried to divide out the "Work With Mom" time and, as far as the boxes go, they keep the big kids moving without having to constantly ask me, "What's next?"  I did not apply for our "Explode the Code" subscription until this morning...imagine my dismay when I realized it will take 3-4 days to get our account activated.  Oh well.  

It went okay. It was not a disaster.  It was hard and there were several moments I felt like crying out to God, "Why are you calling me to something that is so hard? How am I supposed to do this and everything else?"  

Rough moments: Omega - the K3 curriculum I picked out for him is going to be hit/miss. The curriculum is wonderful but he will not be ready to learn his letters, etc right now.  We will do some activities anyway.  I will keep filling his workbox with busy activities. Those busy activities do not keep him from whining though and, lately, there has been so much of that.  I can barely stand the "I am hungry," 20 minutes after I have fed him.  He's bored. So he was either bored or throwing magnets or making a huge mess. The biggest win with him was that he sang the "Days of the Week" song the rest of the day.

Mr. Man and Omega - they did not want to play on their own.  Or, when they did, they ran through the school room, shrieking.  I don't think they pulled out one game or cars or whatever all day today. Mr. Man did most of the things in his work box and he will really enjoy the K3 Letter of the Week stuff. He knows his letters but most of the activities are very cute and I think it will get him ready for more kindergarten style stuff next year. I still struggle with him not being ready while all of his friends are living it up in school. 

My goal would be that I work some with the littles and that they are then able to AMUSE THEMSELVES for a while.  We will see if this becomes reality.

Start Time - I intended to start at 8:30 but the kids were up and ready and we should have eaten breakfast at 7:30 and started at 8 a.m.  We did start slightly early at 8:15, took a recess/snack break 10:15 and then wrapped it up by 11:30.  The older two were wiped so they breaked while I made lunch. After lunch we did our read aloud.  I had more then four hours today, a success, but, with all of the prep, it was more like a full time job. Hopefully, this will get easier.  Lucky for us, we have piano and then soccer tonight--both of which also count in our hours.

L - You know, it would be a lot easier for me if they were at their old school. I just loved it. I know L did too.  And he didn't say it today but, from the "setting my schedule the same way" to "my teachers never told me about this so I must not need to learn it" ....at times it was too much. And I know he is grieving, I can only imagine it is like losing part of his family. His 2/3 teacher was THE BEST and I never wondered when I dropped them off what kind of day they would have or what they would learn.  And the questions and the "When is recess because we took at 20 minute and a 40 minute?" begin to wear a girl down.  I figure I have a lot to learn about patience and grace so the Lord is giving me a lot of opportunity to grow.  I read an article about being kind to your family and, sometimes when I can see he is nervous and worried and I just want to snap at him for asking me about every little thing, I try to focus on being kind...just that once.  Then I can usually do it again. 

So much of this depends on me and, if I screw up or if they fall behind or if things don't go well, it will be all on me.  And I see these cute pictures on FB of all these first days and I think, "WHY CAN'T IT BE THAT EASY?"  Why can't I send mine off? I could have two...wait, I could have only ONE at home.  And I know the first day is not an indicator of all the other days but it is hard to be different.  And my FIL posted a great picture of him, SIL, and cousins and it stings because I have never gotten that kind of affirmation from him.  Why am I jealous? Why am I hurt? If my kids went there, they could have been a status too! And, ironically, when L DID go there we didn't want that for him--I think it is just that he is SO PROUD and everything this other family does is just perfect because they meet all of his requirements.  

And we do not.  Realistically, whether it is fact or perception, I can not change him. I can change me.  And he may never lift me or my choices up. They may spend the rest of time thinking I did the wrong thing and held back my boys, when I am only trying to do what I think is best.  And I can't change that or fix that. I can't be perfect enough.  And I, who longs for affirmation, need to accept that, if I am doing what I believe is best for my family and God has called me to do...I am to do it faithfully.

Sometimes the ways that God has called me to serve and grow are so painful.  And today I thought, "God, if I could only just get some reassurance that the boys will turn out okay. That I will not screw them up with this and that everyone will grow up and be adults with jobs who love God."  Then I thought, "No."  Because if it wasn't to turn out well, if I was to peek and see only three boys standing around me...I would be lost.  Better to not know and just hope and pray that God will richly cover them, me and our family.

The idea of homeschooling has brought me face to face with this truth: it is not me that is going to raise these boys well.  There is not enough of me.  Lately, my prayer has been that God will move me out of the way and use my feeble, weak attempts to bring about beautiful things in their lives.  Yes, their Dad and I do the best we can.  I wonder if there will be enough of me.  But, if God called me to it, he will get me through it.

So, here I am.  Day 2 is tomorrow and I honestly feel sick.  FAITH.  Be with me, Lord. Help me not to be saintly but holy. Shut my mouth, control my temper and pour out the grace.

A few months later...

Wow, when I go on vacation I seriously go on vacation. I went from feeling like I had to post every little thing to posting NOTHING.  I had tried to post once or twice but it wouldn't load pictures even after I deleted all of my old posts. 

However, tonight all appears to be well as far as posting pictures. We will have to see.  With school starting the 12th and Handsome going back on the 5th, I know it would be handy to have this outlet to express myself.

We have had a wonderful summer.  Truly the best part of being married to a teacher is the summer. Even factoring in the 9 days of AP grading, the summers are wonderful.  The boys benefit from having additional time with their dad.  I benefit from having more of his focus and it is nice for him to get a chance to step away; one thing I have learned is that teaching is all-encompassing.  And it is hard to compete with that.  The closer it comes to next week, the more nervous I feel. Almost like I am losing a part of him.  It makes perfect sense--I will now be sharing him with 100 plus students. :)  Things were hard last August/September and then never recovered fully until April.  The early Spring was some of the hardest times I can recall.  Just feeling so separate from him.

My nervousness is exacerbated by the fact that we will be homeschooling this year.  I have done as much as I can to prepare.  I have spent money out the wazoo.  I have read books. I have looked at curriculum and then cut and highlighted and laminated.  I have researched co-ops, joined groups, and polled over 25 other families about homeschooling.  I have pretty much done everything except actually do it at this point.  I am nervous.  Handsome has some high expectations for me and, though I try my best, I could fail miserably.  L is not excited; he misses his school and class.  And, if I am honest, I miss the knowledge that I am sending them off to their sweet little school as well.  He did so well there and it was everything we could have hoped for.  I had to drop off a book there several weeks ago and the 4th grade teacher was working in her room. It was L's old room and would be his room again this year.  I almost cried.   I know that Handsome was not supportive of sending him there another year. I know it is not a good fit for N.  I know I don't have a job and we don't have the money. I know all of those things but that school is familiar and well-loved.  And homeschooling depends on Mama. 

Since January, I have not just been working on homeschooling but myself too.  I have tried to clean up my diet and started exercising.  I began the Insanity workout the day Handsome left for Utah in June and have done it everyday minus the 9 days we were traveling.  After the mess I was in February, I know that I have to take care of myself first so that I can take care of my family.  I need to exercise. It naturally reduces stress and makes me a more patient and loving mother.  But how will there be enough of me with homeschooling? Last Fall, Handsome told me he was simply not attracted to me and that was WITH my kids in school.  How will there be enough?  I just keep telling myself that it is a God-thing. God will provide what I need if I step out on faith....but that is hard for this girl to do.  Last week, I called a friend who chastised me about not making time for myself and said I would "lose myself" and end up bitter.  Awesome.  I am expecting homeschooling to be very, very hard as I try to balance all four boys, their needs, their schooling, and the day-to-day life.  It feels overwhelming looking outward.  But, when I was a CEA, one of my favorite quotes was, "How do you eat a bear? One bite at a time."  And I have made it through 43 days of Insanity.  I will just take it little by little.  Day by day.

I have to remember that I am not doing it by myself. And God will send who I need to help with M's and N's writing, to reach the boys in math, and to keep J occupied.

Still we have had a great summer. The boys and I took a tour of Turner Field a couple weeks ago. L and N got to go to church camp with Dad.  Today we went to a train museum and, later this week, we hope to go to the MLK, Jr. home, museum, and church.

Be with me, Lord.