Wow, when I go on vacation I seriously go on vacation. I went from feeling like I had to post every little thing to posting NOTHING. I had tried to post once or twice but it wouldn't load pictures even after I deleted all of my old posts.
However, tonight all appears to be well as far as posting pictures. We will have to see. With school starting the 12th and Handsome going back on the 5th, I know it would be handy to have this outlet to express myself.
We have had a wonderful summer. Truly the best part of being married to a teacher is the summer. Even factoring in the 9 days of AP grading, the summers are wonderful. The boys benefit from having additional time with their dad. I benefit from having more of his focus and it is nice for him to get a chance to step away; one thing I have learned is that teaching is all-encompassing. And it is hard to compete with that. The closer it comes to next week, the more nervous I feel. Almost like I am losing a part of him. It makes perfect sense--I will now be sharing him with 100 plus students. :) Things were hard last August/September and then never recovered fully until April. The early Spring was some of the hardest times I can recall. Just feeling so separate from him.
My nervousness is exacerbated by the fact that we will be homeschooling this year. I have done as much as I can to prepare. I have spent money out the wazoo. I have read books. I have looked at curriculum and then cut and highlighted and laminated. I have researched co-ops, joined groups, and polled over 25 other families about homeschooling. I have pretty much done everything except actually do it at this point. I am nervous. Handsome has some high expectations for me and, though I try my best, I could fail miserably. L is not excited; he misses his school and class. And, if I am honest, I miss the knowledge that I am sending them off to their sweet little school as well. He did so well there and it was everything we could have hoped for. I had to drop off a book there several weeks ago and the 4th grade teacher was working in her room. It was L's old room and would be his room again this year. I almost cried. I know that Handsome was not supportive of sending him there another year. I know it is not a good fit for N. I know I don't have a job and we don't have the money. I know all of those things but that school is familiar and well-loved. And homeschooling depends on Mama.
Since January, I have not just been working on homeschooling but myself too. I have tried to clean up my diet and started exercising. I began the Insanity workout the day Handsome left for Utah in June and have done it everyday minus the 9 days we were traveling. After the mess I was in February, I know that I have to take care of myself first so that I can take care of my family. I need to exercise. It naturally reduces stress and makes me a more patient and loving mother. But how will there be enough of me with homeschooling? Last Fall, Handsome told me he was simply not attracted to me and that was WITH my kids in school. How will there be enough? I just keep telling myself that it is a God-thing. God will provide what I need if I step out on faith....but that is hard for this girl to do. Last week, I called a friend who chastised me about not making time for myself and said I would "lose myself" and end up bitter. Awesome. I am expecting homeschooling to be very, very hard as I try to balance all four boys, their needs, their schooling, and the day-to-day life. It feels overwhelming looking outward. But, when I was a CEA, one of my favorite quotes was, "How do you eat a bear? One bite at a time." And I have made it through 43 days of Insanity. I will just take it little by little. Day by day.
I have to remember that I am not doing it by myself. And God will send who I need to help with M's and N's writing, to reach the boys in math, and to keep J occupied.
Still we have had a great summer. The boys and I took a tour of Turner Field a couple weeks ago. L and N got to go to church camp with Dad. Today we went to a train museum and, later this week, we hope to go to the MLK, Jr. home, museum, and church.
Be with me, Lord.
