My heart is bruised. And I do not feel like I am behaving in the way that I should but I am so hurt. That does not make my actions justified and instead separates me from my spouse and makes him feel bad for my pain. My heart is hurt and I need to let it go and move on. But, sometimes when things happen and a pattern forms, the hurt isn't about what is happening now as much as the reminder of all the other times.
I am not a part of Handsome's family. Yes, technically I am. Ironically, because I share their last name, I am recognizable. But, when push comes to shove, I am not their people. For many years I thought if I could just call enough...if I could just be good enough...if I could be a good wife...or give thoughtful, good gifts.. or be a great mother.. or a wonderful Christian....that would be enough. But, invariably, something would happen and I would be reminded that I am on outsider.
I can start by saying that my family through marriage has been a great, great blessing. I realize that. They love my children and pray for them. They raised my man who is the kindest, most honest and loving person that I know. I know that they all honestly do their best to serve God, just the same as me. They love my family and, though at times they do not understand me, do their best to love me.
I am hurt and crying so apparently I have not outgrown my flare for drama.
After Granny died, I received a call from a wonderful lady at church. She was bringing food "to the family" that day and wanted to know how many of us there were. Handsome was on his way back from Florida and his grandmother had passed that morning. Jenny knew me from church and she could not get my MIL on the phone. I was stunned and stuttering. I did not know what to say. I had not been invited over. I figured it was because Handsome was still out of town but are the boys and I still not family? So I answered Jenny as best I could with a number and hung up and felt alone and sad. At that point, I had been married 7 years and was pregnant with my 4th kid. His Granny was my dearest friend in the family, at times my only ally but I felt bad for my grief and my feelings of isolation. I did not belong.
Though that is the time that comes to mind first, I can recall several others which means I need to work on my forgiveness. I know that none of these were done intentionally. The SIL and the BIL live closer so they are called on in times of trouble. They don't want to bother us because we have a lot of children. Ironically, these people expect me to call if I have a problem but may/may not return the favor.
Today Lala fell and the aunts could not get her up and called the ambulance. My in laws called us but we had just left for church. They tried our home phone and cell and texted. My cell phone was in Handsome's car so we did not know. We did not know anything until a lady from church came up after class and asked me how Lala was. When I answered, the lady looked at me strangely and said, "Lala fell. She had to be taken to the ER in an ambulance." After that, I had three or four people ask me for updates. Do I explain that they know more then me because this was the first I had heard of it? What do I say?
I found BIL. SIL has gone to hospital and he checks his texts and tells me Lala has broken wrist, not broken back but can't walk. Handsome and I proceed to have a disagreement where he takes full responsibility for us not knowing and I am shaking with hurt that random people at church know but not us.
Hear me now--I know they tried to contact us. They knew right where we were (at church) and it would have been a small thing to tell someone else they were talking to "We haven't heard from Handsome or the Biscuit, can you get them to call us? We want to make sure they know." Handsome completely disagrees. They are completely blameless because they made an effort and, even though they heard nothing from us for ALMOST THREE HOURS, it is fine.
So, as Handsome is always more then willing to take the blame for most things, he shoulders this too and, I suspect, feels like it is all his fault. For my hurt and anger as well because, if he had only given me back my phone we would have known. I completely disagree with that statement--there is no guarantee I would have heard or answered it. Didn't they wonder why we didn't call? Did they even notice they hadn't heard from us?
And I feel separate and apart. Just talking to Handsome on the phone right now made me tear up and want to cry. One of my darkest thoughts about our marriage has been that, in choosing me, he was pulled from his family. As a mother of sons, I don't want that. I don't want to lose my boys when they marry. I want so much more with my four then what we have with his family. At times like this, that comes roaring up. Another fear is that, the next time something happens, we will not be notified. I mean--my goodness! I hear about Lala being taken away in an ambulance from some random person! Did they not think about how that would feel? When does it become worth tracking us down?
There is a part of me that wants to strike back. There is a part of me that wants to take this and completely cut them off from my children and my spouse. And I could do it. I don't have to call when the my children are sick. I don't have to buy gifts and can let all of the arranging and contacting be on Handsome. I already don't call when my husband is struggling because, last year when I reached out, my FIL forwarded the email I sent in the middle of the night back to my spouse and Handsome told me I was not to share things with them anymore. And they prayed then when we were struggling so bad but didn't help in any concrete way. And when my babies are sick, they don't call. I call them, even with updates. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I continually reach out? It will not be returned. They will not tell me when they are hurting or lonely or whatever. They are just different then me and that is fine but I need to take care of my family and myself. And, for me, that means establishing some flexible parameters.
Better boundaries, Biscuit, until I can keep it all in perspective. They don't owe me anything. I call to check on the aunts and Lala because I want to, because I think it is the right thing to do and that is what family does. That is my choice and does not come with any kind of obligation. And, when I hear important news from random people, then God is big enough to cover that hurt. If you want to chew on my husband on Mother's Day because he is with me and not you, go ahead. If you want to plan vacation and then change things to suit one person, go ahead. I don't do things your way. I don't say the right things, I am too loud, too emotional, not a good enough wife, and too out there.
Oh, my heart. I have such a respect for the grandparents and am grateful that my boys still have five great-grandparents. There is no way I want to turn any kind of this attention on myself and Handsome thinks my feelings are completely wrong. So, I will move on and focus on thankfulness that she is okay and that families are different.
