I am not sure what to title this post. There is a part of me that sees the good in this evening and a part of me that is just completely beating myself up.  It is 11:55 p.m. as I start to write this, Tuesday will be here soon but I can not talk to Handsome (I have tried and tried to call, his phone is off and must not have his computer) and I need to get this out.

I overdid it today.  I had already planned for Trevor to come over from 12-3.  N has been asking for him to come over for weeks and weeks.  I finally set it up and then realized it backed right into OT. So we left OT a little early and were slightly late picking Trevor up.  For the most part, N and Trevor get along very well and they did today but it was a very messy getting along (the house got trashed!) N does not think about taking care of his stuff, he just wants his friend to be happy so, for instance, his Star Wars ship needs some work now because he and Trev were playing with it and broke part of it apart. 

We dropped Trevor off at 3 and headed to pick up Tyler and Sophia. They have not been over in ages and Leah had asked me yesterday. I knew I had Trevor but said yes because, for the most part, Tyler and Sophia just fit right in. It was a little more difficult this time. Sophia is going through a demanding stage. Only wanting to play certain things, threatening to never come back or not be friends....it was funny at times but, by the end, not so much.  And I got tired.

Usually, either Handsome or I stays with L at soccer practice but I made plans with Leah to meet back at my house at 7:15. I figured I would drop L off, return home and drop off T and S and then go straight back to practice. I packed the Kindle and a video for my boys and we headed to drop L at soccer practice. While we were driving, we listened to the radio. It said it was pouring in Marietta and I noticed a few clouds. L and I talked about it, I said I wasn't leaving him if it was raining when I got there or if there were dark clouds.I reminded him that I was going home to do the drop off and then come straight back. We talked about what to do if it started raining--he was to let a Coach know that I wasn't back and ask where to go.

When I got to the fields there were a lot of cars but the sky was blue and sunshiney.  It looked great so he jumped out and I turned around.  I was about half way back home when I felt the need to pray for him, all of the sudden there were clouds to my left that looked dark. So I quieted the five kids in the car and prayed very specifically for L's safety and that it wouldn't rain until I got back to get him. I called Leah, hoping she was at my house, she was still 5 minutes away. I made the kids wait out front (but still had to chase Sophia out of the house!) and, within about 3 minutes of Leah getting there, we were on our way.  

 I hit the spot where I had prayed before and it began to storm.  I became extremely alarmed and began to talk out loud to God.  I kept saying "God, protect my baby." "God be with my boy." "God I know you are with him, send the angels, please God keep the rain away from my boy." Mostly I said over and over again--"God, get me to my boy."  The rain was coming down in sheets; I could barely see the road and there was some flooding because of the sheer amount that was pouring from the skies. I got upset at traffic and was frantic to get to L.  J began to cry because it was dark and stormy and he knew I was agitated. N climbed over the seat to comfort him.

As soon as we pulled up, L came running out.  He had a smile on his face and said, "That is the most scared I have ever been in my entire life!"  Yet it was obvious it had been a grand adventure. Apparently, it began raining there even before I had returned home.  The coach tried to call at 7:12--before I pulled in the driveway but I did not know.  L waited for me in the shed with the coaches and some other children. According to him, he was the last one picked up but I think there were two others picked up right after. I had been gone about 35 minutes.  L was talking a mile a minute about the coach who ran out in the storm to get his cones and the kid who dropped his bag in a mud puddle, about how scary it was when the lightning was overhead, and how hot the concession shed was until it poured and poured and poured. He said "That was the longest 20 minutes of my life. NEVER leave me at practice alone again."

He sat in the back seat and talked to his brothers the whole way home about the storm and the craziness. I called Handsome's voice mail and cried. Just getting to L had been hard, there was one point where I went through so much water the tires had little to no grip and I knew I was putting my whole family in danger because I had made a stupid choice.

Yes, I know I made what I thought was the right choice but I should have stood back and assessed. My thought was to get them dropped off and get back before it came.  But I did not check the radar. I could have told Leah to wait, I could have asked her to come to the soccer field, I could have done a million other things (even just waiting 5 minutes!) But I didn't. I was so focused on getting T and S back that I feel like I sacrificed Luke's well-being.  Leah originally asked me to meet at 6:45 at my house. If we would have done that, Luke would have been late BUT it would have started raining on me before we got to practice and he would have stayed with me.

I was mad at myself because there was too much risk. I am thankful he handled it so well.. When we got home he called both grandparents and aunts/great-grandmother to tell them about it.  And one set said, "You should have never been there alone" and some other things.  It wouldn't have been a big deal EXCEPT the weather quickly went south. And I did not do a good job judging that my situation was changing.  They make it sound like an accusation that I am not asking for help but I didn't realize I needed help; I think is good for the boys to know that they can stand on their own.

I feel thankful that God kept him safe and that the coaches stayed with him and that it was an experience that showed him he could handle something. Yet I feel frustrated with myself that I did not stop my plan to see if I needed to change it, putting him (and the rest of us) in needless risk. I feel irritated that I did not tell Leah no; it would have been much easier today with just Trevor, then time at home and then we would have all been at practice together.  And I know that the experience itself was valuable for him but I was scared. I don't think I have been so scared in a long, long time. I just wanted to get to him and I kept praying to God for his safety and wishing I could beam my car there.  Why, the ONE TIME I LEAVE FOR 30 MINUTES, does this happen? Last year, the very first time (and only time) we left him, he got sick to his stomach and ruined his pants.  So we spent the rest of the season at every practice. Most people just drop their kid off each week but the one time I do that this happens. Why us?

And then driving through that rain, I had the awful thought that, if something should happen to us, it would destroy Handsome. I had his entire family, save L, in that car on a road covered in rain in the middle of a downpour.  Because I was an idiot.  What if something would have happened to us?

Looking back, I suspect that, when I felt the need to pray for L at that spot before we got home, it was starting to rain at the soccer field.  I wish my intuition had told me "turn around." I keep wondering what I could have done differently, what I missed when I looked at the sky. For it to hit so quickly after I left....

I will continue to try to portray this as L's grand adventure and thanked both boys for their help, N for being so sweet to J and calming him down as I drove and L for being so courageous and having such a great attitude during a scary situation.  And it doesn't bother me (too much) to hear him tell of it starting to rain and Mom and his brothers "not being there." I want him to feel empowered and capable so we are choosing to focus on all the positive things he did.

But, for myself, I see the negatives--what a terrible choice I made and I feel humbled that God protected my boy so well.

I wish Handsome was here.  I am exhausted.