Handsome is in Salt Lake and returns tomorrow. Today we went to the eye doctor and then just hang out at home, playing games, being bored, and watching a movie.
I put them to bed kind of late, 8:40ish. A little after nine, L comes in to the kitchen where I am working. He says, "Is it too late to talk about this?" And, at first, I am confused. We hadn't been talking about anything before he went to bed and I am wondering if I missed something.
So I say, "L, what is it? It is too late but not too late if there is something you need."
He says, "I think I am ready to accept Jesus."
Then he burst out crying. I was stunned, I had not expected anything like that at 9:15 on a Wednesday night. I hugged him and said, "Sweetie, what made this come to mind?" He said, "I have been thinking of it for a little while. I don't know why I am crying." I will admit to wishing Handsome was here. L continued to cry and said, "I think I am tired."
I asked if he wanted to go sit on the couch and talk about it or if he wanted to chat tomorrow and he said he wanted to go back to bed, that he was tired.
I went to check on him a few minutes later and brought him some water. The dishwasher is running and so, when he went to drink the water, it was hot. So I had to go back and get some more. :) That made him laugh.
Things that have been running through my mind:
-he did not mention baptism, I am thinking he is talking more about (what I consider) the Baptist method of asking Jesus to come into your heart but I am not sure so I don't want to assume one way or the other
-I hope he does not feel like he is going to hell so he MUST make this choice
-God's timing is not always our time
-I am so glad Handsome is coming home tomorrow
I have a friend, Clint, who has pretty much renounced his faith in the last year. His fb posts are full of science and Christians are hypocrites. Watching that has been scary and amazing. It is scary because I have four sons who could also fall away. It is amazing because I have realized that I do believe. Truly believe. It doesn't matter what the world says. Somewhere, somehow all of it became so real. And it is slightly embarrassing. Embarrassing because I know some believe I am a fanatic. That I am uneducated about science. That I am misled, misinformed, and judgmental. And I know I will stumble and feel far away from God again but the Lord has been merciful to me. He has been faithful. So I give my life and my marriage and my boys up. And I pray I see them in heaven.
Do I want my kids to follow Christ? Yes. But I can be honest and say, if they choose to follow Jesus, it will be hard. The world we live in does not make it easy to be a Christian. I do not want them to declare Jesus with their lips and deny him with their lives. As he grows there will be tough questions and big mistakes, I will not know what to do or say. Be with him, Lord. Develop in his life a real, deep faith. I pray for the boys to have challenges while also praying that the Lord will go easy on them and me. :) If I want to have faith that can walk through the fire then there will have to be fire--same for them. My faith has grown exponentially during the hard times but it is hard to pray for the Lord to send storms and hard times on my babies.
Lord, I pray for my boy. For all of them but especially for my first one tonight. If he isn't ready, shut it down, Lord. Give him a peace. Help his Dad and me to speak truth and love but to not pressure because his choice is not about me or his Dad or our faith. Being a Christian is so hard and 10 seems so young; let not my negativity impact him either. If he chooses to walk with you, Lord keep him on the path. Let him hear the voice saying "This is the way." Let him fall down but stand him back up, Lord. If this is his desire and your will then make this the beginning of a long, fruitful life. Let him be your man, completely.
He is precious to me. This family is my heart. I give him back to you. And, Lord, if one is to deny you or turn away, take him. Clint's mom asked me to pray that the Lord will do what needs to be done to break her son and soften his heart. And I am so scared but I pray that for my children too.
Please, Lord, let me meet my boys in heaven one day. Make me into a true, imperfect example. Let us raise these boys. I need you.
